Few of us like a Monday Morning, but Amebo Pulse does for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.
“I’m back with a bang!”
My people, does that sound familiar to you? Yes, and that’s because you don hear am plenty times from all those nonsense musicians, wey no wan leave music, give their life to Christ, then find one small fine girl marry from village. They should look at Jim Iyke and his gangster deliverance, follow the road to the Synagogue (BRT no dey o), sit down quietly for 5 minutes, decide say them want make that their village juju stop to dey pursue them, and request for it to be cast out.
“Hallelujah”.
My people, no be small thing o. Yesterday I went to church, not because I wanted to be saved and stuff, No. In case you never know, I already get my uncompleted building for heaven, nah Angel Michael they supervise work for there. Him and Michael Jackson. I went to church so that that blessing of sweet gossip, that anointing that shaketh the waters of mumu-rity and talk-talkism. That was what I got yesterday at the synagogue…oops! Sorry, I meant to say my sweet Holy Ghost-filled church.
So this Monday, November 04, 2013, I come bearing gifts. Gifts of Gossip. Gossip with an anointing. Anointing that breaks all the yokes of celebrity hidden parole, and bring out for the children of light and Amebo Pulse to flex.
Enjoy. I am Amebo Pulse. I am the professor you wish you had.
Beverly & Angelo: Happily Never After
This kind story wey I wan yarn so, the best way to enjoy am na to invite one flute player from one Igbo village, make him give you one bush Nollywood soundtrack.
“Tu tu tutututu, tu tu tutu tut tutu tu tutu”
Ghen Ghen Ghen!
Phew! Let’s do this. Before we go into this story, I want every one of my dear readers to know say we at Amebo Pulse, do not support breakups, or heartbreaks. Neither do we condone any attempted attempted attempt to scatter any man-woman matter wey sweet. We encourage quick-quick marriage, and work hard to support their waka. What God has joined together, let no olofofo put axe under.
Let’s go!
During that month when the Big Brother Africa was on TV, I was one happy man. I was happy for the BBA because it felt like Christmas had come early. Whenever I turn on the TV, na so so flexing we go dey see. Left, right, centre.
One fine bobo go dey eye one fine chick. Another man with one hungry look, and fat bulges in his trousers go dey run round the house like dog wey wan born pikin. If I make mistake wait small, Jesu! Na so we go dey see naked people dey bath, some dey play, others dey kiss, and then others go carry themselves go one quiet corner go do….you know na. Nosense dirty mind. Na my mouth you wan hear say no be today wey yansh don dey stay for back. (So said Abraham Lincoln).
Enjoyment No be small. Tu tu tututu “Tu tu tutututu, tu tu tutu tut tutu tu tutu”
I so loved BBA sotay, during my quiet time, BBA was my number one prayer point. Every day I got down on my knees, closed my eyes, sip one shot of Schnapp, then begin to pray; “O lord, may Boko Haram never bomb the BBA, may their fine faces never grow old, may all the badbelle prayers of Nigerian Christians never be answered, and may Beverly Osu no carry belle. Amen”.
Amen somebody!
Beverly Osu entered that BBA House with a list of missions; 1. To talk like say she never see gist before.
2. To find love. Even if na one weed-smoking Rastafarian.
3. To get ‘fingered’ and also, to have hot sex! Boom!
And since she’s a determined go-getter, hmmm, the girl achieve everything o. First she talked about everything, and everyone. How she was a runs girl, how her father had his ass waxed by aliens, how she crucified Satan, and killed Holy Mary. Na she born Jesus. Virgin Beverly Osu.
She also found one ugly South African Rastafarian who smokes weed for nutrition, and talks like he’s spent his entire life at the Dentistry. And yes, I Amebo Pulse, fine pass the bobo times 100. If God made anything finer than me, he kept it for himself, and named it one sweet angelic name. Amebo-iel. But Beverly no see me. The lady grab this bobo, begin dey kiss am like say him mouth na Iyaba Sera Kpomo. Then she allowed him finger her. And later, boom! The guy port go. She had awesome sex.
After all my prayers, BBA still end, Beverly no win the money, her boyfriend still no win the money too. So both of them carried themselves out. Beverly came home to angry hypocritical Nigerians, and Angelo go back SA to further his career in weedology (the eternal study of marijuana). Later Beverly had her birthday, and the guy carry him small kpomo mouth come Lagos. He ate Ewa Agoyin, and drank Alomo. After the party, him and Beverly off the lights, and…..you know na. heheheheheh.
Later, he went back to South Africa (with all the 3 points), and broke up with Beverly. My very own Beverly Osu.
See what he wrote; “I love u guys, even the ones that hate… right now I need clarity… not chaos & scrutiny; I need to focus on what’s important, my youth development programs and my family. I don’t think I should be in a relationship right now; it overshadows what I really wanna do; I hope u guys can respect me for my decision… thanks to everyone that supported me.”
In order words, he haff dump Beverly!
After all the Kpomo-eating, and fingering, the man has decided to dump my sweet Bevrly Osu. The girl wey fine like winch. Chai. It is not good o.
Beverly won’t cry for you. No. That girl is strong. Anybody who got fingered and had sex on international TV either has the heart of a Lion, or the mind of a criminal. Beverly is fine. She’s sexy, she’s super hot. She deserves more than that SA Rastafarian. She deserves Amebo Pulse.
Come to me Beverly. We’ll play love. Sweet bush love. We’ll eat Amala in the morning, smoke marijuana in the afternoon. Bath in Rivers of Kai-kai mixed with Agbo. At night we will hunt bush dogs, and make love on plantain leaves.
I love you Beverly. Talk your own.
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